Things I hate about everybody....
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can’t eat it?

4. When people say "it’s always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn’t really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is ’new and improved!’. Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that’s longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?

10. People who say things like ’My eyes aren’t what they used to be’. So what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you’re eating something and someone asks ’Is that nice?’ No it’s really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that’s an image I really didn’t need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don’t understand you unless you insert the ’Mc’ before the item you are ordering.....It has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken burger gets blank looks...........Well I’ll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f*cking McTosser.

14. When you’re involved in a accident and someone asks ’are you alright? Yes fine thanks, I’ll just pick up my limbs and be off.

Ouch! - 22/08/03
Most brave men would have tears in their eyes should they get this part of their anatomy caught in a zip, and Billy Connolly is no exception.

Billy is said to have ’howled in pain’ after having a nasty accident getting his penis getting caught in his zip. He was mid flight at the time, on his way home from New Zealand, where he had been promoting his new film The Man Who Sued God.

He said ’I was sitting on the flight and I noticed my flies were undone so obviously I didn’t want to give anyone a fright. I started doing up the zipper on my trousers but it was one of those big chunky ones and was proving quite difficult.

"Then the unimaginable happened and I got my privates stuck in my zip. It was absolute agony but, however tempted you may be, you just can’t ask the air stewardess for help. That would have been too embarrassing. I felt like Mr Bean as it was.

"So I just took a deep breath and gave the zip a big yank downwards. God, it was really sore. I was bleeding everywhere and my eyes were filling up."